My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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