I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
then he tried to convert me to islam
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
