oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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