so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
