it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
