You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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