i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
