OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
