You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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