dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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