My sheets look like a crime scene.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
