We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
