I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
