can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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