im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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