I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
