Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
