Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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