Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
