HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
