You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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