The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
