Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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