Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
