pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Slut skills are useful in every country.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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