Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
time to smoke my breakfast
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
