Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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