VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
