I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
