She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
