just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
