no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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