After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
