I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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