The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
