You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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