I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
