Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
