I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
