You just made me feel so damn special
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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