i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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