just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
