you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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