dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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