there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
