i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
