Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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