She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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