So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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