I'm really into asian looking animals
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
