I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
