apparently the secret to your success is patron
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
