so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I faked an abortion last night.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
