I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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