Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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