There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
